JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
