someone threw a dead crab at me
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
