You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
