oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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