3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
