The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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