I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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