Reggie can tackle my bush.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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