11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
