Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
