I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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