I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
