1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
