the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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