You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize