i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize