Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
