I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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