happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm passing your future prison.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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