Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Is Oprah even human
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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