What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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