I got chris browned last night
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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