She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
