Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
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you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
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We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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