I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
