yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
