a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
