Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
