Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
