I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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