Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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