Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
