he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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