remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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