Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
