Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
