he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
