I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
