I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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