do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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