Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize