: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
