I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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