you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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