I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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