Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
