listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
