Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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