I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
