I think I died a long time ago.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
