Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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