woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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