i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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