Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Come see our sink grown plant.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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