we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
