i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
