textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
